The Convergence of Past and Present

I’ve been thinking of rainclouds quite a lot lately and the gifts they share. When thinking of where I live in the Pacific Northwest, there is a common visual of rain, mossy forests, and the spooky haze of wet air floating through the treetops. And while all of this exists later in the year, we’re in the height of summertime now. The sun is king, blazing high in the sky during this Leo season. The resulting heat seems steroid-injected by the continual burning of fossil fuels, paired with inescapable sizzling pavement. In this neck of the woods, we now regard this time of the year as fire season, while other places begin noting it as a season of floods. Collectively we have pushed and pushed and pushed the planet as we have pushed ourselves, throwing the balance without regard. Without time for regard, really. Where does this habit come from? I often feel myself hardening like wax as my bright hopes for healing take refuge in the cold understory of doubt and fear. It’s easy to simply stay there and drink in the one-sided truth of bad news. A wax statue is the worst of both worlds - unmoving, powerless, and without strength or will. With a single push, such a form would be lost unto itself, dispersed into a thousand pieces. However, the buoyant strength Leo paired with this somewhat eccentric Aquarius full moon make for a moment of fresh release and ripeness of mind. I’m reminded of my individuality, and return to a place of mindful presence as a part of the whole. I believe we contain the divine energies of the Everything, and in the simple act of remembering and grounding, the little candle wick in my heart is lit, and I begin to thaw from the inside out.

Aquarius is the Water Bearer, the bringer of truth, and the waker-upper. Imagine a splash of cold water on your face instead of the alarm clock you’ve come to expect. The archetype I imagine is Drop Dead Fred. If you haven’t seen this movie, go, run, find it and watch it. Drop Dead Fred is a girls invisible friend who comes back to haunt her as a codependent, toxic-mother-enmeshed adult. He is a flare up of the soul, a scream for attention from the inner child, a holy fool, sacred clown, and a messenger from within. He is inconvenient, as these moments often are - uncontrollable, forceful, shocking and healing. As an air sign, this Fred’esque moon swoops in like a sudden gust of benevolent chaos, a wind to make a mess of your tidy, organized, self-restricting, controlled and survival-oriented thought patterns. Just because there are nice and neat stacks of papers in the corners of your mind does not mean things are orderly or even necessary. A lot of what we carry are dusty heirlooms from others, old garments that no longer fit, or art hanging on our walls of thought that, when truly appraised, we may realize do longer reflect back to us the person we now feel ourselves to be - or who we want to become.

Have you heard of the Ferber Method? It’s a form of sleep training for babies which usually carries on into toddlerhood, commonly known as the “crying it out” technique. I personally am not a fan, though I also am not a professional and not a parent, either. I’ve just had thoughts such as: What is there to cry out? Can babies possibly make logic of this? Is this simply a rigid adult perception of possibility? Does the child feel punished? What do babies cry out for? The conclusion I’ve come to for this last one is that very likely they cry for the same things we wish for as adults. Care, touch, recognition, sustenance, and love. They just haven’t yet learned to be ashamed of their feelings, or to push them down. New studies now support the understanding that the act of repeatedly leaving babies to self-sooth, something they are actually not yet capable of even as toddlers, is a severe risk which predisposes them to possible permanent brain changes due to emotional trauma, as well as residual mental health issues as they develop and grow into adulthood. The lessons learned in these first years as a living, breathing human play out into our lives. To have distress of any kind ignored by our caregivers teaches us to not trust, to not accept love, or to understand genuine care when it’s received or needed. I would guess that many of us were subject to this method, left to feel trapped and helpless to an unknown world. This doesn’t mean that we’re all screwed, it just means that, on top of every fight, bad breakup, bike accident, school bully, social media attack or other cortisol-inducing moment, we may have some deeply buried, foundational trust issues to work on. One way to support our own processing of these feelings, to actually retrain our minds, “reparent” ourselves and further develop, is with key ingredients of our own physiology: water and air.

Often during heavy wailing sessions, tears and breath come in heaping droves. We may transform from a human being into a tempest of sudden swells, crashing waves, and booming thunderous roars. These moments induce an almost trance-like state as endorphins actually begin to flood our system during extended periods of grief. The body in all its wisdom will transmute a moment that is too painful to continue feeling it and feeling it, into a natural state of numb calm as these sensations of grief and well-being meet in the middle. Then lightness. And possibly back to tears again. This is the alchemy of the body. The gifts of water and air paired with the consciousness of our spirits. It is important that we allow the experience to unfold as it needs to, when it needs to, and not ignore it or huff and puff about it as an exasperated parent might. This is a tremendous part of the reparenting process. The flow of tears and the complimentary deepness of breath are actually detoxifying to the body and spirit alike. The kind of tears we cry over the loss of a loved one or even the deep catharsis felt during a movie contain stress hormones, which are gently ushered up and out of the body with grace. Sometimes we swell with emotion from bouts of fear, life stress, or happiness. Tears are regulators, just as breath is. To breathe deeply is to restore life to our bodies and minds. Sometimes it may feel as if we’re literally drowning. When this happens, the best thing we could do is a simple return to breath, allowing the air around us to be ingested and taken as medicine, guiding us back to our center and recognizing our wholeness once again.

The great spectrum of reality, in all its many colors and colors between the colors, and even the colors we cannot perceive but can feel because we are made of those too, can be accessed when we truly accept and surrender to our own feeling. We feel because we exist. Our feelings are our guideposts, our mirrors, our ancestral gifts and offerings from our own individual reality. Much like birthday or holiday presents from family or even friends, we’re sometimes given things that don’t really resonate with us. Sometimes we outright dislike what we’re given. But in the interest of being polite, we take things in, make them our own, and identify with them over time. This calls for a radical approach to honest self-clarification of identity. It’s work that can begin at any time. There is never a “too little” or “too late.” Before jumping in though, it should be noted that there is no final finish line either. This is a lifelong dedicated practice of self-love, and the rewards are unlike a big celebratory finale, but are many - speckled throughout your days. Shadow work, trauma work, therapy, the full iceberg of self care - from baths and personal spa days to mediation and trigger awareness, will all inform our understanding of self. Our intuition will thrive as we grow from these lessons, pruning the falsities and nurturing the truth. In this way we may honor our blessed ancestors, our family for all their ups and downs, our beloved kin, chosen, four legged, and of the spirit realm, and of course we may honor ourselves.

LUNAR BREATHWORK

Aquarius is governed by the element of air, making conscious breathing a marvelous magical practice to now embody. Sit or stand comfortably. This could be done outdoors as the moon begins to rise, or inside in the comfort of your living space. Breathe into your lower belly, envisioning the fullness of the moon growing brighter with each inhalation. Imagine with each breath you are dragging a large net over a crystalline lake which you look out towards. It collects debris and clutter, leaving behind clear and calm water. One side of the lake reflects the sun, and on the other is the moon. During each breath in, count to four. Hold for four seconds. Release to the count of four. Hold for four seconds. As you breath, imagine the net dragging back and forth. This is a circular breathing practice, and creates open space internally for new revelations to drop in. Perhaps keep a notebook nearby so that you can write down your insights as they gently drop in, like a feather on the surface of your lake.