A Very Long Winded Thank You
“The purpose of a pilgrimage is about setting aside a long period of time in which the only focus is to be the matters of the soul. Many believe a pilgrimage is about going away but it isn’t; it is about coming home.”
— L.M. Browning
So, it happened. I met my goal for my heritage trip to Morocco yesterday thanks to each and every one of you who championed and encouraged me, shared your own stories, took time to discuss details and ask questions, donated, and continued to cheer me on for damn close to 2 months. I was moved to tears last night, laying in bed with nothing but the glow of a tiny screen and words of sincere congratulations to respond to. I closed last year as I had so many others, as a person who wanted to know more of who I was. I wasn't ready before. It took a lot of wheels and gears to fall into place first; spending time with my family was a major one. But ultimately the greatest prerequisite was the willingness to take a leap. I was scared, and I still am. It's a lot to unpack. Like a quantum suitcase full of infinitely more suitcases of all sizes. But living in the dark isn't part of my story anymore. I'm not doing this to find clear clinical answers, though several have already been granted, and I believe there will likely be more. I’m finally following the impulse that has nagged at me for many long years. I'm doing this to peel back the heavy layers, and to see myself. This is the beginning of a lifelong journey, simultaneously going inward to my core, and outwards to engage with this life as consciously and responsibly as I can.
The word "pilgrimage" is mostly reserved specifically for religious rites, but being the wordy spiritual that I am know that it's fitting for what I'm setting out to do. I remember a college professor of mine once saying, "the minute you set the intention, you've already begun to change." There's only so much I can viably share in writing. A lot of it belongs to me, and me only. At least for now. But what I can say is that I have changed. The person who I was and who is and who will be, she is all the same being. But this phase is different than ever before. I've seen myself blossom, but not for a long time. And certainly not like this.
The fundraiser is over, but the journey has just begun. For those who are curious to know how gofundme works (because I didn't), it doesn't send you your donations in one lump sum. I've been getting small deposits since it began, which has made it possible for me to ensure payment for the time sensitive details. It's a huge relief to know that everything is handled, and now all I have to do is hold to my end of the bargain and show up.
I got into New York yesterday. I'm here to celebrate the birthdays of my sister Rania who turned 19, and my brother Shaddy, who turned 15, as well as spend more time with my blood family before going to Morocco. I'm still getting to know them, and getting to know myself in this new dynamic. The last time I saw them was during Thanksgiving, which was also the first time we were all together, under one roof in Queens. During that trip, my mom spent a lot of time cooking. She had a small plastic bag full of herbs that she held close to her like an egg. "Fresh from Chaouen," she said with a beam. These flavors and smells are home to her. A home before New York. A place that her body and spirit know too well to forget. Her and I have spent a life apart, but it's in these moments where we understand exactly what we are, and where we came from. We share the same dirt, infused with our birth. We share blood, and the memories it carries.
I'll be here in New York until the 26th, then leaving for Morocco where I'll spend a month learning and documenting. The first part of the trip will be in the Atlas Mountains, absorbing all I can about traditional hand crafts, the magic they contain, and how the old ways have changed by the hand of modern time. I’ll also be going back to my birth village.
With every ounce of gratitude, I wish to say thank you. To everyone who has supported me, believed in what I’m setting out to do, and understood the necessity of this journey, thank you. Each of you will be in my heart as I move forward, giving me strength that can only be found through willingness, vulnerability, and the meeting of community. Now I know what it means to bloom together, as well. With sweet and trusted individuals, with family, with those who I hold so dear, and with the whispers of ancestors and those to come, too.
